The 10 Commandments of Steve

Meet Steve: our lovable but overzealous prepper

A Lighthearted Break Featuring the Patron Saint of Overzealous Preppers (Who Occasionally Has a Good Point)

Here at Preparedness Pro, we believe in two things: 1) self-reliance is powerful, and 2) laughter helps you survive long before the MREs do. So today, we’re taking a break from the usual tone (though let’s be honest, I sneak humor in even when I’m teaching canning techniques) to introduce you to our favorite fictional overachiever:

‍♂️ Meet Steve

Steve is a real character. Not in the “he’s based on a real person” way—unless you’ve met someone who once tried to barter his neighbor’s grill for a backup crank radio. No, Steve is an amalgamation of every over-the-top, gung-ho, slightly unhinged—but strangely lovable—prepper stereotype you’ve ever seen on reality TV, in YouTube comment threads, or maybe even at your last family reunion.

He’s divorced (his ex-wife left shortly after he installed a 55-gallon drum of lentils in the master bedroom). He has kids, a HAM radio license, and very strong opinions about canned meat. He thinks duct tape can fix nearly anything—including loneliness—and has built at least one functional item using nothing but Mylar, Velcro, and questionable confidence.

He’s not here to judge. He’s here to overprepare, overshare, and occasionally oversalt his stored rice.

But for all of Steve’s quirks, there’s always a kernel of truth tucked inside the chaos. So let’s have some laughs and learn something along the way, shall we?

So now, without further ado… the gospel according to Steve.

The 10 Commandments of Steve 

1. Thou Shalt Not Trust a Man with Only One Flashlight

Steve has flashlights in every drawer, glove box, boot, and bug-out bag. Why? Because the fastest way to find darkness is to depend on one flashlight.

Real Talk: Redundancy is smart. Flashlights break, batteries die, and grid-down conditions make illumination a priority. Always have multiple light sources (solar, hand-crank, battery-powered), and know where they are in the dark.

2. If It Can’t Be Freeze-Dried, It’s a Luxury

Steve once tried to freeze-dry banana pudding. The result was…unholy. But he’s right about one thing—freeze-dried food lasts longer than most marriages.

Real Talk: Freeze-dried food can last 25+ years and retains nutrients better than canned goods. It’s lightweight, compact, and ideal for long-term storage—especially if you’re building a mobile or space-efficient pantry.

3. Never Love Anything You Wouldn’t Trade for Antibiotics

Steve once bartered his vintage watch for fish antibiotics. “She took the watch in the divorce,” he says, “but I kept the meds.” Fair trade.

Real Talk: Fish antibiotics (same active ingredients, often same manufacturer as human versions) can be an emergency workaround—if stored properly and used with extreme care. Research first, store second, use only when necessary and under advisement.

4. He Who Controls the Chocolate Controls the Morale

Steve hides chocolate in a bin labeled “Emergency Lint” because he knows morale crashes faster than blood sugar when stress is high.

Real Talk: Comfort foods matter. Chocolate boosts serotonin, can last long when stored correctly, and provides calorie-dense energy. Don’t underestimate the power of familiar treats during stressful times.

5. Two Is One, One Is None, and Seventeen Is Probably Safe

Sometimes Steve makes perfect sense

Steve doesn’t just stock batteries—he has a lithium battery “bunker” under his shed. Why? Because he once read they can combust…and he’d rather lose the shed than the house.

Real Talk: Lithium batteries are energy-dense but can be volatile. Store them in fire-resistant containers, away from high heat or living areas. Strategic placement = self-preservation.

6. All Problems Can Be Solved with Duct Tape, Except Emotional Ones

Steve once duct-taped his rain barrel. It held. Then he tried the same with his second marriage. It didn’t.

Real Talk: Duct tape really is a hero. It seals leaks, makes temporary gear repairs, and has about 101 survival uses. But don’t rely on it for permanent fixes—or marriage counseling.

7. Blessed Are the Cheesemakers (and the Lard Hoarders)

Steve renders lard every February and calls it “romance.” He stores it in quart jars labeled “Back-up Butter” and has the cholesterol of a walrus.  He once gave a seminar on rendering pig fat in a church basement. Four people left converted. One left vegan.

Real Talk: Lard is shelf-stable when stored correctly and incredibly versatile. It can be used for cooking, preserving meat (confit), and even making candles. Plus, it’s one of the few fats that lasts in off-grid storage.

8. The Only Thing More Dangerous Than a Crisis Is Unprepared In-Laws

Steve has “guest packs” for the unconverted—complete with mini radios, dry socks, and a laminated welcome letter titled “You’re Safe Now. Follow Me.”. His love language is laminated instructions.

Real Talk: If you’re the prepared one in the family, you’ll likely carry others when disaster strikes. Have extra supplies for non-preppers who may end up at your doorstep. It’s easier to share when you’ve already planned for it.

9. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Generator (Unless It’s Dual Fuel)

Steve dreams of dual-fuel generators. He once tried to barter his ex-brother-in-law’s leaf blower for one. It did not go well.  Steve once claimed he could tell if a neighbor was prepping just by the sound of their extension cords. It’s unclear if he was wrong or just oddly specific.

Real Talk: Dual-fuel generators (gasoline & propane) offer flexibility in a fuel shortage. Propane stores longer and burns cleaner. If you invest in one, protect it, maintain it, and don’t leave it in plain view.

10. Remember the Sabbath—and Rotate Thy Beans

Steve has a rotating system so complex it might be sentient. Sunday is for worship, rest, and turning cans like he’s solving a Rubik’s Cube.  Steve’s pantry calendar includes every expiration date, freeze-dried birthday, and a reminder that “MREs are not a love language.”

Real Talk: Food rotation prevents waste. Use FIFO (First In, First Out) to keep your pantry fresh. Label everything. Practice cooking with your food preparedness so it’s not just there for show—or Steve’s oddly specific sermon analogies.

Laugh, Learn, Repeat

Steve may be fictional, but his enthusiasm is very, very real. We all have a little “Steve” in us—that voice saying “just one more solar panel,” or “what if I do need powdered eggnog?”

Let’s keep prepping practical. Let’s keep it joyful. And let’s never forget the healing power of humor (and hidden chocolate) when the world gets weird.

☠️ Why Steve Matters

Sure, Steve’s a little… much. He’s not exactly what you’d call “balanced.” He owns six water filters but can’t find his own debit card. He once gave his kid a compass for a birthday gift and called it “character development.”

But for all his quirks, Steve represents the part in all of us that wants to be prepared. The part that stays up at 2 a.m. reading about rocket stoves and thinking, “I could build one of those out of soup cans.”

So, here’s to Steve. May his lard stay shelf-stable, his HAM radio stay tuned, and may we all remember that sometimes laughter is the best form of stress inoculation.

And to Steve’s ex-wife… thank you for your service.

Want More Steve?

If this article gave you a chuckle (or made you nervous that you are Steve), let me know! He may make future appearances with:

• Steve’s Guide to Prepper Dating: Red Flags, Green Beans & Bug-Out Baggage

• Steve’s Tactical Thanksgiving: Freeze-Dried Gravy and Conflict Avoidance

• Steve vs. the HOA: A Cautionary Tale of Rain Barrels and Righteous Indignation

Because let’s face it: if we’re going to take preparedness seriously, we should at least laugh while doing it.